


Pyrrhic Victory

by primaryglitch, Rainbowfootsteps



Category: Zeta Gundam
Genre: F/M, M/M, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-07-15 07:44:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16058639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primaryglitch/pseuds/primaryglitch, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbowfootsteps/pseuds/Rainbowfootsteps
Summary: Present victories opens old wounds. Char and Amuro struggles with their past trauma and current responsibilities.





	1. Difficult day

Char rubbed his temples, looking down at the two of them. Fa sat in a chair next to Kamille’s stretcher, her head laying against the wall and her hand in his. They both looked years older than they were, the war having already aged them. No longer children, little soldiers. Char hoped it was just the infirmary lights making Kamille’s skin such a sickly pale. Char was no medic but Kamille’s hand looked broken, at least fractured and his side looked nasty when they pulled him out of Zeta. At the time, Char had feared it could be fatal with how Kamille wasn’t responding.  It wasn’t like him to just go limp. He had looked so lifeless.

Fa was the one to pull Kamille out of zeta, and she hadn’t left his side since. Even when getting her few minor wounds treated she insisted on being near Kamille. She was right to do so. The few moments when Kamille became lucid she was the one to calm him down. Her firm yet caring words immediately resonated with Kamille and he listened long enough to get him sedated. Fa was the one who truly protected, took care of,  Kamille. Her companionship alone was more than Char could provide. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t fully understand Kamille. And today, on the battlefield, Fa was the one who rescued zeta after it was disabled, who prevented zeta from being destroyed after that shot from the hyper cannon.

The shot that was meant for himself.

Char had seen the commanding hizack take aim for the bridge but his hyaku shiki just wasn’t fast enough, and his beam rifle had already run out of energy long ago. As he rushed towards the hizack to counter it, the hizack fired right before he was able to destroy it with his beam saber. Kamille had rushed zeta in front of the bridge, and with no time to counter took a direct hit to protect the bridge. With the commander destroyed, the few remaining mobile suits retreated. A victory for the Argama.

Fa has been the one to pull zeta into the mobile suit bay, not Char. He didn’t feel like he had the same right to be here as her. She, even sleeping, was watching over Kamille. They both were in better hands together than with himself. He couldn’t stay here. Char felt like he was invading.

Char exited the infirmary and decided to go somewhere, anywhere but here. While watching over Kamille guilt ate at him. Looking down the hallways, they were empty. A tiredness hung in the air. The whole crew was exhausted, and still fearful. The titans had them on the run. Passing the commons even Shinta and Qum were quiet. It was as if the Argama herself was exhausted from battle.

Char sighed. He needed a distraction. Something to take his mind off Kamille. Amuro would be perfect - he hadn’t had a chance to be alone with his lover since they left the Audhumia together. Brief kisses and urgent touches had been all they’d shared. Even just being near him would be a comfort, a familiar presence, a stable point in Char’s life from as far back to when they rivaled each other. Char turned sharply and started heading to the mobile suit bay, already knowing where Amuro would be. Even with as late as it was, it was unlikely Amuro had left with the shape that their mobile suits were in.

The Argama’s mobile suit bay had emptied out hours ago, only Amuro remained as Char looked around. Amuro was inside of zeta's open cockpit, likely fixing what was destroyed in the battle earlier. In the other bays adjacent to zeta were the mk II and methuss, looking worse for wear but better than when they first came in. But mobile suits weren’t Char's main concern as he used a scissor lift to get up to Zeta.

“Amuro, its late,” char whined as he draped himself over Amuro. Amuro didn’t even turn around, just grunted in response. While not uncommon of Amuro to do so, especially while enacted in mechanisms, Char could see the tenses in Amuro’s shoulders. Something was bothering him.

Besides the two of then, the mobile suit bay was empty. The stall Amuro was in was only illuminated by the soft light of zeta’s eyes and the scattered floor lights Amuro had laid down on the scissor lift next to the cockpit. Char forced himself further into zeta’s cockpit, wrapping his arms around Amuro’s middle and resting his chin on Amuro’s shoulder to see what his boyfriend was doing. It was cramped with the two of them on the floor of the cockpit and multiple screens and wires scattered about. Zeta had taken a direct hit, completely ruining the chest plate and the cockpit. It was surprising any of the internal mechanic were still intact, even more surprising that Kamille made it out alive. Both of them were grateful for that, yet also worried for slightly different reasons.

“Amuro, its late,” repeated Char, more seriously this time. He knew Amuro’s habits of overworking himself to counter anxiety. The day had been long, stressful- it was time for bed. Their assisted shifts had long ended and they needed the rest.

“I know, but Zeta needs-”

“It can wait until tomorrow. You on the other hand, cannot.”

“I’m fine,” Amuro muttered, trying to pull away from Char. Char grasped him on the shoulder, not letting Amuro escape that easy.

“Amuro, you’re exhausted.”

“I’m not, I can finish now. Zeta’s computers need re-calibrating and aligning at the very least. The mainframe took the bulk of the damage. We’re still in enemy territory. Zeta’s useless if-”

“Amuro,” Char snapped, “you need rest and you cannot do any good for zeta in this state. It’s useless to continue.” Char flashed an annoyed look at Amuro, any playfulness he had gone. Amuro was acting foolish and childish, overworking himself like this. Astonaige and Kamille handled zeta’s maintenance fine before Amuro took it over. Even without Kamille, Astoniage was more than capable enough to handle Zeta.

Amuro continued to pull away from him, but Char regretted his words as soon as he met Amuro’s unfamiliar eyes. His eyes were bloodshot with bags underneath, panic laced in them. A frantic energy in them which Char had not seen before. Amuro’s eyes had the stony look Char was familiar with when Amuro dug his heels into the ground.

“Are you suggesting I’m not capable of my duties? I’ll have you know i earn my keep on the Argama!” Amuro was nearly yelling, clearly panicking. Char had no idea why Amuro was freaking out so bad. Was it the stress of the battle? But Amuro stayed behind on the Argama, it's not like he had to pilot a mobile suit-

Oh.

Oh god.

Char knew he had messed up.

He felt like an idiot.With Kamille in the infirmary, there was no one on the Argama who could pilot zeta. That is, besides Amuro, who now was standing, braced against the side of the cockpit. He looked like a cornered animal, and hell, Char knew he felt like one too. He felt like a fool for not realizing early.

“Amuro, no one is going to make you do anything, okay?” Char tried to say it as calmly and comforting as he could, but it did nothing to calm the frantic look in Amuro's eyes. It was a lost cause to try to clam Amuro here. Perhaps his room would be better. 

”Let’s go back to my room, I think I have notes on Zeta Kamille gave me,” Char lied, gently taking Amuro's hand.

“but I have work to do….” Amuro said, but he put up no protests being led out of the Zeta onto the lift. Char could feel Amuro’s hands shaking badly and wondered how he even managed to handle the delicate electrics of zeta like that. Out of the cockpit, it was more visible how bad of a shape Amuro was in. It was as if the weight of piloting zeta was physically on his shoulders.

Char guided Amuro by the hand through the dark corridors of the Argama to his room. Amuro followed behind, pushing no further protests. Arriving at his door Char turned the lights on dim and guided Amuro to his bed, not bothering to have Amuro change yet. Sheets could be cleaned - what mattered now was comforting his boyfriend. Amuro was fidgety, eyes constantly darting around the room and his hands picking at his callouses. Char gently separated his hands and lifted his hand up to brush Amuro's hair out of his face. Amuro refused to face him, turning away.

“Amuro look at me. Everything is okay.”

“that's a lie,” Amuro mumbled softly. “I can't leave the Argama unprotected. Your hyaku is in need of replacement joints, you can't protect us alone. The methuss and mk II are in even worse shape. We cant send the nemos out alone. That leaves only zeta…” his voice was shaking too badly for Char to understand the rest of what Amuro said, but he could guess.

“Emma could pilot zeta, it's not the same as mk II but-” Char was interrupting but Amuro abruptly stood up.

“you knows that's not true.”

“Kamille may-”

“So it's fine to send children out in our places? Kamille should never have had to design Zeta, let alone pilot it! Children fighting our wars,” Amuro broke out into a sob. Char had hoped it wouldn't have to come to this. All Amuro's trauma bubbling up after being covered for seven long years.

“It's not your war either,” Char whispered while gently, pushing Amuro back down on the bed. His eyes weren't as frantic, more so resigned, almost hopeless. Char could not say the same for himself, he would never dare to, but this was never Amuro's fight, none of it was. All Char could think to do was hold Amuro to his chest, knowing there was little he could do to comfort him. Realistically, Amuro was right. With the Argama weakened and on the run the titans were likely to attack again. Char didn’t know what to hope for. An immediate attack would force Amuro into zeta, but if the titans held off for a while that would then allow Kamille to pilot zeta. With his injuries there was no telling how that would turn out and with as stubborn as Kamille was, he would never have Amuro go out in his place. He felt trapped in the familiar cycle of knowing his love ones would get hurt. All he could do was hope that the night would be peaceful.


	2. The Devil's haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His responsibilities continue to haunt Amuro, guilty for not protecting Kamille. But when he realizes he isn't the only one that feels this way, an unforeseen bound begins

Amuro panted, desperately trying to draw in air. He was suffocating, he had to be. Each breath was burning his lungs, the air of the cockpit oppressive hot. His panting fogged the inside of his helmet, obscuring the data as it flashed across the screen. It didn’t matter anyways, he could keep the streams of information, only catching pieces. Mainframe overheating. Circuit failure from C123 to C192. Joint failure in left leg ball joint. All of this was all so new, so confusing. He didn’t know if he could do this. Amuro squeezed his eyes shut, forcing his shaking hands to clench against the controls.But it didn't matter, he had to fight.

He tried to take aim, but he couldn't stop thinking of the people inside the suits. A pilot, did they have a family? Were they scared?

_Just like you are_

“It doesn’t matter if they are, I have to win”

_Even if it means killing?_

“I have to, I don’t have a choice!”

_Murderer_

“I'm not I'm not I'm not a killer.” Amuro felt his eyes water, tears staying to trial off. He wants to defend himself, but that voice is so familiar.

Images flashed in from of him, he was inside side 7. Panicking, he tried to find a weapon, if he didn’t hurry he'll be killed. His vision goes white from a great flash; He might have saved himself, but the explosive from the zaku cause a hole in the colony. The air is escaping, the vacuum trying to pull even the gundam out. How many people got pulled out, suffocated. How many civilians, neighbors, didn’t make it? Even with as crowded as white base is, it couldn’t hold everyone living in a colony

_It's your fault_

His mother stands in front of him, in shock. She looks at him full of hate and distrust. He searches her eyes for the warmth he still remembers so well, only to find cold horror. She doesn't know him she says, he’s not her son, her amuro. Then who is he? 

_The white devil_

He sees Lalah and Char, back in his masked helmet and her yellow dress.They are facing each other, both sporting wide smiles. Char leans down to kiss her, and Lalah wraps her arms around his neck. When their kiss brakes, they press their foreheads together. They look so domestic together, more than just content- actually happy. He’s an invader, this moment isn’t for him to see. Their life isn’t for him to be in. How could he expect char to forgive him for taking her from him? He see char, no Quattro now, but Lalah’s still here. Isn't it a betrayal to her, to love Char? They were each other, neither of them his. 

He can’t think over his mind screaming that he doesn’t belong here, he doesn’t deserve to be happy. He just running away from his duty, he has not choice now. He left Amuro ray back on side 7, he was just mascaraing as him now. He knows who he is, all of the zeon and the federation do. He’s the white devil, and its time for him to return.

 

Amuro woke up with a choked off cry. His eyes flew wide open and for a second he didn’t know where he was, let alone who he was. He tried to swallow his panic and gather himself, scraping his mind for what he knew must be true. His senses slowly started to come back. He was Amuro Ray, he knew he had to be on the Argama but the room was unfamiliar. He noticed slight weight across his chest, realizing a pair of arms were around him. He then felt the slow even breathing on his neck and a steady heartbeat behind him. A slight calm came over him, Char- always a familiar presence. It felt almost as if the rest of the earthsphere felt away, still Char would remain. Calmer now, Amuro sat up and looked down at Char. lucky, it looked like he hadn’t woken his lover. at least one of them can get the rest they both need. He sighs, rubs his eyes and stands up, deciding to talk a walk. Nightmares always left him restless, and if he stayed his twisting and turning would wake char.

Exiting the room, Amuro found himself simply wandering around the Argama. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to go back to his room alone and he couldn’t bring himself to work on Zeta. By the looks of it he had only slept a few hours, the halls were empty. Alone with his thoughts, guilt and fear began to eat him away. Kamille was injured badly, there was no getting around that. He shouldn’t have been in a mobile suit, he shouldn’t be anywhere near the war. None of these kids should, that's what they were- kids. It sickened him knowing that both Kamille and Fa were old enough to enlist, that this wasn’t simply circumstances like in his case.

Snapping out of thought, Amuro realized he had wandered towards the medic center. He wants to go in, check on Kamille. Fa was likely there too with how protective she was of him. Amuro didn’t know how he would even begin a conversation with her with the weight of Kamille’s condition hanging in the air. He finds himself pacing in from of the Argama’s medic. His uneasy set heavy on his shoulders, completely unsure of what to do. Amuro fears Fa's pity and concern, not wanting to burden her with him. Knowing his anxiety at this point is beyond obvious and Fa would pick up on it, but buried underneath that is the fear of judgement. Would she think less of him for or worrying about himself instead of Kamille, the one who was hurt? He wouldn’t blame her if she did.

Amuro lets out a deep sigh, finally deciding to force himself to go in. Fa's a nice girl, and her attention wouldn’t be focused on him anyways, they barely knew each other. Entering the medic, Amuro quickly spotted Fa, now awake pacing in from of Kamile. She has a stony look on her face, deep in thought. Her cries were red and slightly puffy, she had been crying. Amuro had no idea how to get her attention, just as he was about to greet her her head snapped towards him. She had that on top familiar panicked look as she took in a sharp breath.  
“calm down Fa, fa- it's just me,” Amuro said as calmly as he could putting his hands up. It took her a few seconds to register what he said.

“sorry sir, I didn’t realize-”

“it's just amuro,” amuro blurted out before realizing it, cringing internal at how awkward he sounded and for rudely interrupting.

“o-oh yes sorry. Kamille’s doing better, he’s stable. Hasan said it's looking like an infection is setting in on his side”

Amuro felt his stomach drop, infection was bad news. “thank you for telling me. We’re all worried” Silence followed and fa turned back to Kamille, leaning forward against the foot of the bed and resting her hands on the bed to support her weight. She looked so young honked over like that, with her head hanging loud reminiscent of himself. Not knowing what to do Amuro joined her. Standing new to her, Amuro noticed blood crusted on her arm near her gloves “fa, what's that?”

She turned back her head towards Amuro, confused before realizing he had saw the blood “oh it's nothing just a small cut. I must have just not noticed it's looking closer amuro could see that the blood was from a deep looking wound, right above her wrist.

“Fa that’s not nothing. You need treatment”

“its fine, its nothing,” fa chirped, in a cheery voice clearly trying to cover her exhaustion.

“it will only take a second, please, fa I'm worried about you.” Amuro didn’t break eye contact with Fa until she looked away towards the ground, realizing she wouldn’t be able to talk Amuro out of this. 

“Okay…,” she sighed out, resigning to Amuro’s gaze, “But I don’t want to leave Kamille alone. He might wake up.” Fa’s eyes were glassy as she spoke, distant. 

“that's fine, just sit down. I'll get a med kit” He pointed to the chairs in Kamille’s stall as he spoke, making sure to watch Fa and make sure actually sat before going off to rummage through the medicenter. It surprised Amuro that is was hard to find an intake medkit but then again they all had just got back from battle. It wasn’t like others didn’t get wounded. God there could be so many causilites he hasn’t yet found out about, too busy worrying about having to pilot the zeta to even think to check. Perhaps if he had just gone out in the zeta in the first place Kamille and fa, and the possible countless others, wouldn’t have been hurt. Amuro shook his head, forcing his mind back on track. Fa needed him right now.

Broken from his gaze, he returned to fa with the medical supplies me could scavenge. She had listened and say down. He kneels in front of her before gently taking her hand, “Tell me if I hurt you”. She simply nodded in response. Pulling off her gloves, he wiped up the blood on her hand and wrist with a spray towel. Inspecting closer, her skin was only broken in a few spots but her wrist was definitely sprained. Luckily it looked as if it wasn’t broken, but it was worrying to Amuro that she had not helped herself early. “Why didn’t you get help sooner? Fa if this when untreated you could have made it worst”

She looked away, she couldn’t met Amuro's eyes. “I’m fine.”

“You're not fine, your wrist is-”

“I'm fine!” Fa nearly sharply snapped interrupting Amuro. It was such a change from how professional she was trying to be with her at first. 

“Fa what's really wrong? We both know you're not fine”

“....It can’t be broken I'm useless if it is” she whispered, If Amuro hadn’t been so close and listening so intently he would what missed it.

“What? Why?” Amuro felt panic stray to rise, knowing what her answer would be.

“I cant pilot like this, and if I can’t then-”

“NO!” Amuro snapped, bolting up and grabbing her shoulders. The moment startled fa, but the fact that Amuro was crying was even more sudden. “Were more than that! We aren’t just pilots. I- I mean you aren't just a pilot you're a person we are more than this!”

“O-Okay” fa studded out

Amuro realized what he was doing and recoiled back “S-Sorry, I just, you're so much like me”

Fa looked stunned, “W-What? You're nothing like me! I’m, well, I’m just really a grunt aren’t I? You and Kamille are amazing pilots!”

Amuro breathed out, settling down into a more comfortable position- criss cross on the floor in front of fa. “I wasn’t like Kamille. I'm still not”

“what do you mean, you're one of the best!” Fa toned conveyed her confusion, it was relaxing to see her settling back in after how she had tensed up before.

“I beg to different”different Amuro chuckled. “but either way, I only ended up the gundam pilot by mistake. Its wasn't my own skills, but the gundam that saved me. And even then it was just barely. If it wasn’t for the superior technology I would have been killed. Now you, fa, you have been using an old prototype. Its has been your own skill and will that has saved your life-and Kamille's- many times. That's something to be proud of.”

“I-I don't know what to say”

Amuro smiled, you don’t have to say anything, just promise you'll actually think about what I've said”

“of course”

Amuro held out his hand in the fist, pinkie out. “okay come on promise”

Fa didn’t the same and they linked pinkies, promise sealed. Fa let out a giggle, “this is so silly”

“yes, but we need silly, don’t we?”

Fa breathed out smiling, “well at least I did. Thank you, Amuro”

“No Fa thanking you. I'm really glad we talked. You’re not useless Fa. We are more than the sum of our parts” Amuro said this while gently holding Fa's injuries hand in his. 

Fa cleared her throat nervously and spoke “could we maybe- I mean only if you want- talk again? It's nice talking to you I just feel like you understand. I love talking to Kamille but its…..different”

“of course fa, I'd love to get to know you better. I'm usually down in the mobile suit bay working on who knows what”

“would you teach me?” fa said suddenly. “I-I just don’t want to be a burden, I want to do as much as I can”

“fa you're not a burden, but I'd love to teach you what I know about mechanics. It's actually easy to have someone around, makes you think about about what your doing”

“thank you Amuro!” fa chirped before letting out a yawn. “mhm, it seems like you were right. I should get some rest. I know that being exhausted won’t do any good for anyone but, Kamille-”

“I can watch him. I know you don’t want to leave him alone”

Fa let out a sigh of relief “thank you, I didn’t want to ask.”

Amuro smiled, expression softening. Fa really was trying her best, always worried about getting in the way- she needed to give herself a break every once in a while. “don’t be sorry you can always ask me anything. Now fa, get some rest. You need it” she nodded and they both stood up, Amuro walked over to the chair near Kamille's bed and sat as fa left. He hoped she would make it to her room okay but he feared it would be overbearing if he walked he back.

He looked at Kamille and sighed. Tonight would be a long night, but it wasn’t all bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last half of this chapter very heavy in Fa. I've always loved the idea that if Amuro had joined the Argama he would bound with Fa like Kamille did with Quattro.


	3. Small Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kamille and amuro bound over shared experiences

Amuro stood vigilantly over Kamille all night. The boy had slept soundly for most of the night, but his pulse seemed too slow and it worried Amuro. Some time had passed since Fa left, so it was nearly morning. A small groan caught Amuro's attention yanking him out of his thoughts. Kamille was stirring, his fists clenched and his brow furled. Amuro reached over and gently shook Kamille. “Hey buddy, it's okay,” he spoke softly, but his tone was unsure.

At the touch, Kamille's eyes snapped open and he let out a blood-curdling scream. Then Amuro was no longer in the present moment. He felt Kamille's emotions- his fear, his confusion. He felt his pain as the blast wrecked through Zeta. The burning sensation in his hand and the white-hot pain as metal pierced his side. And just as suddenly as it came on, it was gone. Amuro pulled his hand away from Kamille as if he were burned himself.

Being a newtype had its advantages in battle; however, this was not one. Ever since Lalah, there was no one he wanted in his mind like that again. No one besides Char in their battles and more subtly as their bond deepened had- but never like this. Never like the way Kamille had forced himself inside his head projecting his emotions and memories in a fit of panic. Both Amuro and Kamille were panting hard from the endeavor. Kamille was now sitting up, staring at Amuro. His eyes told Amuro that he had seen the same thing, felt the same way as from when he was injured. They were both silent for a long while, not breaking eye contact. Kamille's panic still seeped into him, put Amuro at unease, but the assault of memories had stopped.

Amuro broke the silence, “Was it a nightmare?" Kamille just continued staring glassy-eyed into space until he realized Amuro had spoken. Kamille turned away from him as if ashamed until finally nodding, now looking everywhere but at Amuro. Amuro had more than his fair share of nightmares and knew for a fact that he projected the newtype power given how uneasy Char was when he woke him up just like he was doing for Kamille now. Kamille couldn’t have meant any harm from it. “It's okay Kamille, you’re safe.” Amuro couldn’t help but wonder if his words were meant more for him or more for Kamille.

Kamille sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “I know, I just...don't like people seeing me like this. I’m not a kid; I’m stronger than this.”

Amuro could disagree with Kamille not being more of a child than a man, he was young after all. However, he couldn’t disagree that Kamille was strong. Amuro reached out and put his hand on Kamille’s shoulder“ You’ve been through a lot. This- these nightmares- aren’t a sign of weakness. It's just-”

“Then what are they?” Kamille snarled as he whirled around to face Amuro. His eyes were glazed over, he was holding back tears -likely of anger- at himself. 'God he really is similar to me,' Amuro thought. Knowing that, it was obviously Kamille wouldn’t agree with him outright. He would have to go about this a different way

“Kamille,” Amuro said sternly, ”Am I weak?”

“Of course not, but this isn’t about you it's about-”

“I had nightmares from piloting the Gundam. I still do,” Amuro admitted, a little sheepishly. “Do you think I’m weak because of that?”

Kamille feel silent for a few seconds before breaking eye contact and looking down, his sheets balled up in his clenched hands. Then, he near whispering, said, “But you’re not me.”

“No, but we are alike. It took me a long time to not blame myself for my nightmares- to not find myself weak and pathetic. You have a heavy burden to carry, your scars aren’t just physical.”

Kamille kept staring downwards, and Amuro assumed he would keep ignoring him until he left. That was until Kamille spoke. “It’s hard to accept that. Piloting Zeta is something I want to do. I’m really not like you. I wasn’t forced”

“I know this is your choice. But you’re still young. Our circumstances are different, but we are both Gundam pilots. Piloting a Gundam is different from other suits- more taxing on the mind and body.”

“You’re right; Zeta feels different than other suits. Almost as if it was made for me, or if I were made to pilot the Zeta.’

“I felt the same way in RX-78-2, like no one else could properly pilot it. This wasn’t true, Sayla did a fine job. Still, RX felt like mine, an extension of my own body.”

“Exactly!” Kamille exclaimed, trying to sit up more in excitement but winced, remembering his injuries. Amuro quickly reached out and helped him lay back onto his pillows. Suddenly Kamille’s injuries reminded him of the battle. ”Are Fa and Quattro okay? What happened? Did I black out?”

The question caught Amuro off guard; but, it did make sense. Kamille was unconscious when they pulled Zeta in, so he had no way of knowing how the battle ended. "Whoa there, slow down. Yes, they are fine. Worried, but safe.”

Kamille breathed out a sigh of relief Amuro didn't know he had been holding in. “That's good, thank God.” Kamille fidgeted for a moment and sighed before speaking again, “I didn't mean for it to happen like that, it was an accident. I just knew I had to protect the argama.”

“I understand; in battle, we don't always make the wisest decisions even if it was on accident.” Amuro couldn't help to think of Lalah. His greatest mistake, the one he couldn't fix no matter how good of a pilot or engineer he was. “....But some accidents we can't take back”

“Hmh?” Kamille questioned while tilting his head.

Amuro startled, not realizing his was speaking his thoughts. “Shit wait sorry, I was just ,um, just thinking.” Kamille gave him a look showing that clearly he wasn't buying his bullshit. Amuro sighed and gave in, “I remember a mistake I made in the one year war. I killed someone on accident, and I can never take that back. She's gone and it's my fault.” Amuro paused, then spoke in a whisper, “I never forgave myself, I don’t think I can.”

Kamille when quiet and looked back down at his hands before softly speaking. “I think I can understand. I lost someone too. I haven't talked about anyone about her, not even Fa.”

“Quattro might understand if you talk to him, he was close to Lalah- the one I killed.”

“No, not at all. He was with me. He never understood Four like I did,” huffed Kamille. Amuro pondered feeling he had heard that name before. Perhaps she was a newtype on record?

They both fell awkwardly silent for a minutes. Kamille’s eyes weren’t glazed over anymore, but Amuro could see the pain and conflict in them. He didn’t want Kamille to face this horrible pain alone.

“Kamille, I know we are not close; but, I might be the only one who can understand this.

“Only if you tell me about who you lost. It's only fair.”

“Deal.” Amuro had already revealed more than he ever wanted about Lalah. He didn’t talk about her even with Char; but, he would if it meant Kamille would be more open to him. “I guess I’ll go first. Her name was Lalah Sun. I met her by chance, but now I’m sure it was destiny. She was a newtype test subject for developing weaponry, but when we met, she was just another person.

“I met Four very similarly, we were just two people when we ment. I think that’s why I fell so hard for her. She was a cyber newtype and she saw me for who I was. I felt at peace with her.”

Amuro sighed heavily, “Yeah, I can understand why. Lalah was special like that too; she set the standard for new types but even more so as a person. She saw beauty where I struggled. Her gentle nature and natural perceptiveness enchanted me but then turned against me in battle. She felt like she owed her life to Char, so she was protective and loyal to him. She might have been better off never meeting me.”

“Yeah, but would she have been the same?”

Amuro stopped in his tracks, confused, “What do you mean?”

“If Four hadn’t meant me, she would be alive but suffering. I don’t know this Lalah, but if she had such a profound effect on you, you must have had the same on her

“I never thought of it that way. I just wanted to blame myself.”

“We can not change the past but we can change how we view it.”

‘Thanks Kamille, you really are a smart kid. Oh and don't mention this to Ch-Quattro okay?” Amuro was pretty sure that even with as much as Char loved Kamille, he wouldn't take kindly to him knowing about Lalah.

“Sure, but that means you owe me a favor,” Kamille said cheekily.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Amuro chuckled.


	4. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Char finds that he is less stable than he thinks and that Amuro has found support

Char blinked his eyes open, still groggy from sleep. Deciding to rest longer, he rolled to find the familiar warmth of Amuro gone. Immediately Char shot up, alert and worried. It was unusually for Amuro to get up before him. His late nights working on mobile suit lent him to be more of a night owl than Char. Looking around, he did not see any signs of Amuro in their quarters. He quickly got dressed and practically ran to the out of his quarters. Where could Amuro be? Did he not listen and keep working on Zeta? 

Char tried to keep his cool walking through the hallways to the mobile suit bay. Hopefully, Amuro had just woken up early somehow and went to work on zeta, which if so char could just drag him back to bed. Neither of them had posts this morning, there was no need for them to be up.

Arriving at the bay, he walked up to zeta. At first, he couldn't see Amuro, so he called out to him. "Amuro, It's early. Come back to bed."

With no answer, char started to worry. Where else could he be, if not with Zeta? He couldn't think, he had no idea. Amuro was less social than himself, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to be with anyone. He had even mentioned feeling out of place on the Argama with how tight-knit it felt.

Char began pacing through the hallways, searching every nook and cranny for Amuro. He tried to stay calm, but he failed considering the looks he was given- which only worked him up more. He was very conscious of his image around the ship. He brushed off and ignored any questions or inquiries about his well being, immediately cutting them off to ask if they had seen Amuro. No one had. Char couldn’t deny he was beginning to panic. 

He tried to steady his quickening breath and to pace his steps evenly. If anything, he would make it seem like he was calm. He dug his fingers into his palms trying to calm himself, a bad habit of his. Suddenly he realized there was a wetness in his hands, he had drawn a little blood with his nails. He also realized he had forgotten his gloves. He wondered how many people had noticed, how obviously it made this distress.

He stopped and leaned against the wall, he needed to calm down. Logically he knew Amuro was likely safe, maybe had gone back to his own room while Char was sleeping or out. Deciding that was as good as any place to start, he headed out.

Once back at his room, there was still no sign of Amuro. He took inventory of the room, finding he left his gloves on the nightstand, next to which was his shades. Great, He forgot his shades. Everyone could see his frantic display earlier. This day was getting worse and worse.

Sighing, Char decided to gather himself before going back out. He had already made a fool of himself out there, no need to do it again. Embarrassment brought a flush to his face, anyone he encountered saw him without his usual veil, and likely saw right through his false calm. He worried about how this would affect his image around the ship. He needed to be distant, yet respected. He had let Kamille get close, too close, and it had put him in danger multiple times. He had let Reccoa get too attached, which lead to her demise. He did not need other people to become concerned with him besides being their field commander.

Char couldn't help but consider he should have kept his distance from Amuro too. After all, Amuro wouldn't be active in the aueg if not for him convincing him to do. It was a selfish request, not for the food of the aueg but for himself- he wanted to be with Amuro. If it wasn't for him, Amuro would be forced to even consider piloting the Zeta. Did Amuro blame him, resent him? He would if he was in his shoes. Then it would be logical to assume Amuro felt that same, that he resented and blame him for reopening his old wounds and traumas; for all the panic attacks and nightmares, Amuro would blame him. 

If so then maybe Amuro was purposely avoiding, maybe he had come to the same realization that Char had. Char grasped at his head and grabbed the nightstand to support himself. He felt like he would fall over, or worse throw up. He couldn’t stand the thought that Amuro would want to leave him, he couldn’t stand the thought that he would be alone again. No one else understood him or had the bond with him he had with Amuro- he was irreplaceable. 

Sudden nausea overcame Char and it became clear that throwing up was a real possibility. He stumbled to his private bathroom, tripping over the mess of clothes and tinkered items on the floor. Once there he immediately fell to his knees and grabbed the bowl and hurled his last meal into it. He coughed, coughing and making it worse. His throat burned as he brought up bile until there was nothing left. 

Wiping his mouth, Char collapsed against the bowl. He tried to hold back his tears- scared yet furious at himself. He was better than this, than to be brought to physical ailment over mere possibilities. He was terrified of the prospect of Amuro leaving him, but that was no excuse. He choked down a son, not allowing himself to wallow.

Now with a little clearer head, he realized how ridiculous the whole prospect of Amuro leaving was. Amuro was an honest man, he couldn’t lie well to save his life. He wouldn’t be able to hide anything from Char. If he wanted to leave, he would have told him so or left. And while Amuro was haunted by his traumas, he did not seem unhappy with Char. In fact, he seemed to have perked up compared to their sparse encounters before Amuro agreed to come with Char when he seemed to simply be existing rather than living. Amuro liked him, loved him even. Char knew this, was confident that Amuro shared his feelings.

Significantly calmer, Char stood up. He was ready to take on the role of Quattro. As he walked out of the bathroom, Char caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked like he had gone through hell and back. The bags under his eyes had darkened, and his eyes themselves very red. Not for the first time, Char was glad Quattro worn sunglasses. He went to the nightstand and put in his gloves and glasses and was finally ready to go out. Glancing at the clock before he left, it seemed like an hour had passed since he first woke up. He hadn’t realized in his frantic state that so much time had passed.

Ready to search for Amuro again, Char enter the hallway. However, as he turned, something, or rather someone, collided with him. Char readied a snarky remark, but then realized it was Fa. she had gotten the worse end of the stick and was now sitting on the floor. 

“Sorry, sorry!! Oh Quattro, I was looking for you!” 

“Hmh, and why’s that,” Char questioned, slightly confused. Fa did not usually seek him out, that role was left to Kamille.

“I heard you were looking for Amuro” char flustered slightly, not realizing word of his embarrassing displace had gotten around the ship.

“Yes, I couldn’t find him this morning, he wasn’t in our room-,” Char cut himself off, realizing his mistake. His and Amuro’s relationship was not common knowledge, they had not made any announcements, Fa just looked at him with a soft smile and knowing eyes.

“Well, I’m guessing he’s in the med bay. That’s where he was last night” 

Char sighed in relief. While felt like an idiot that he hadn’t even thought to check if Amuro was with Kamille, he was glad to have an idea of where Amuro was. “Thank you, Fa.”

“Of course! I was going to check on Kamille. Would you like to come with me?”

“That would be wonderful” 

With that exchange, they fell into a comfortable silence as they made there was to the medbay. It was not far from their rooms conveniently. However, Char could feel Fa’s worry. Kamille had been hurt bad, he couldn’t help but worry for the boy himself. Between him and Amuro, he was very stressed.

Once there, the door slide open and they made their way to Kamille’s bed. Before he saw the two of them, he heard them talking. Their voices were too quiet for him to quite make out what they were saying. He opened his mouth to call out to them, but Fa beat him to the punch.

“Kamille! Amuro! Good morning!” both turned at her call, Kamille’s eyes seemed to light up and a broad smile overtook his face. Amuro flashed a quick smile at Fa but it felt when he saw Char. He must have been able to tell something was wrong. Silently they agreed to talk about it later, not now. Char walked up to Amuro’s Char and put his hand on his shoulder while Fa bounded up to Kamille’s bed.

“Fa! Are you okay, are you hurt anywhere?” Kamille’s voice was full of concern and compassion. He worriedly glanced over Fa, looking for any sign of injury.

“Geesh, I’m fine I promise. You’re the one we are worried about,” Fa spoke sternly. Kamille strank and flustered slightly, biting his nail nervously.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“I know, I know. It’s just you’re such a fool sometimes! We could have helped”

“Fa in battle we don’t always think straight. Don’t blame him,” Amuro spoke, surprising Char. Usually, he stayed out of their affairs.

“I know, I just worry," Fa said as she turned towards Amuro.

"She right you know, you did worry us. Just focus on getting better."

"Alright, fine. I just can't stand staying in bed although."

"Rest now and you'll be up sooner," Amuro responded.

While they continued their chatter, Char began to think. They all seemed closer, had something happened while he was gone. Fa seems relaxed around Amuro instead of stiff, while Kamille seemed to be at complete ease with the older Gundam pilot. Even more surprising was that Amuro seemed at peace with them. They all fit together like puzzle pieces. They could pass for a family. 

"What are you smiling about Char?" Amuro questioned, snapping him out of thought.

"Nothing, you all just seem to be getting along well. It’s good to see-” Char was cut off by a sudden shaking of the ship they knew all too well. Followed by which was a call to battle over the intercom. They all froze for a second, unable to think, to move. Amuro was wide-eyed and looked pale as if he was going to faint. His hands were shaking where they rest on his lap.

Then all hell broke loose. Kamille immediately tried to get out of bed, wincing in pain as he tried to move how his healing body would not allow. Fa to restrain him, but Kamille ended up pulling both of them to the floor. Kamille yelped in pain at the sudden impact.

“Kamille!” Amuro exclaimed and shot up to go to where he was. “Kamille, stop you’ll hurt yourself more”

“B-But I have to p-pilot…”

“Kammy please stop,” Fa begged.

“I have to p-protect-”

“I’ll go in your place,” Amuro said cutting Kamille off. Despite the shaking in his hands, his voice was clear and steady. “I’ll pilot Zeta.” The two Gundam pilot shared a look before Kamille knocked and relaxed into Fa’s arms.

“Amuro, thank you.” Fa’s voice shook, near tears. It was hard to see Kamille struggle, solid proof of his injuries. Amuro nodded in response, not trusting his voice to hold any longer.  
Char reached out and grabbed Amuro’s fisted hands, “I’ll be with you.”

“I know, you’re why I can do this,” Amuro whispered, more to himself than Char. He had to do this. He would protect Kamille, Fa, Char and the others. They were his family, his bonds, He wouldn't lose them. He couldn’t let Kamille out in his current state. Besides, Amuro knew he would make it back alive- he had promised Fa he would teach her.

Char looked at Amuro and saw determined eyes, a chance from the meek scared ones from yesterday. He did not know what had triggered this change, but he felt it was more than skin deep. He trusted Amuro to know himself if Amuro thought he could do it he would take his word. 

“Fa, stay here with Kamille. Take this, protect him," Amuro spoke while handing Fa a gun.

“I will, they’ll have to go through me to get to him,” Fa promised while tucking the gun away and starting to lift an unconscious Kamille back onto the bed.

Amuro squeezed Char hand, “let's go, they need us out there.”

As they began to walk out, Char couldn’t help but question, “What changed?”

Amuro turned to him and spoke with a smile, “I realized I had a family to protect.


End file.
